Why Some People Feel Alone Even When They're Not (2024)

Why Some People Feel Alone Even When They're Not (1)

You don't need to fit in to be happy.

Source: Succo/Pixabay

Some individuals go through life always feeling that they are alone or that they do not fit in, even while in the company of others. Many people feel this even when with their family members.

Manny’s Experience

“I always felt like I’m everybody’s last choice. Better than nothing but also better than no one. I was never in the inner circle. I was only invited to the largest parties and events. I was always the last to know what was going on in school and at work. Sometimes I feel like a loser.”

JJ’s Experience

“I never know what to say around other people. Whenever I am in a group of people, I feel like everyone knows what to say and I have no idea. I just keep quiet. When I do try to join in or answer a question, I get anxious. My heart starts thumping. I struggle pronouncing words. This happens at parties or meetings with parent groups, but I feel judged—as if I were being interviewed for a job. I don’t enjoy these experiences, so I routinely avoid them. People think I am a loner or a recluse. Maybe I am?”

Individuals like Manny and JJ have these experiences in almost all social settings despite their often having very good interpersonal sensitivity. Their sensitivity undermines them by making them acutely aware that they are not in sync with the others in the group, which increases their awkwardness and anxiety.

Individuals experiencing this type of social discomfort are often polite and considerate. They do not interrupt others and they say please and thank you when it is appropriate to do so. They often avoid eye contact, because it makes them feel transparent and judged. They feel like others can see how uncomfortable they are. Individuals experiencing these symptoms are often very intelligent, but their anxiety prevents them from being able to demonstrate this in front of others.

The feelings of awkwardness and not fitting in with others are often disarming. It prevents these individuals from asserting themselves and sticking up for themselves in social environments, though they may be effective at asserting themselves in environments that are focused on a task, rather than socialization, such as at work or a softball league.

The Psychology of Fitting In

Fitting into most groups of people requires some degree of conformity. You need to be interested in the topics that others in the group are interested in and think and talk about them the way they do. Becoming an integral part of these groups requires that you sacrifice some of your individuality in order to synchronize your perspectives, values, and styles.

Some individuals are chameleon-like in that they naturally and empathically pick up the patterns of relating to different groups and modify themselves accordingly. They accommodate themselves to the group. They leave their individuality behind. For some people, this is automatic and they don’t even register that they are changing themselves to fit into groups. Others are aware and do this intentionally.

If you are one of those people who feels alienated in most social group settings, it may be because your personality resists conformity. You have difficulty liking what other people like and you resist changing the way you think in order to feel part of a group. Maybe you are better off?

Conformity and Personal Stability

Chameleon-like personalities are unstable. Becoming a part of your social environment by changing yourself requires destabilization, perhaps fracturing, of your sense of self to be accepted by others. Your personality resists this. In the above examples, Manny and JJ experience anxiety in social situations because they feel defective for not conforming.

Conformity Essential Reads

You Are a Conformist (That Is, You Are Human)

Social Conformity and Group Pressure

Society pressures us to conform. We are urged, and sometimes required, to adopt the values, perspectives, and judgments of others and we are ostracized or taunted if we refuse. This is not healthy. If you want to be comfortable in groups, you need to find groups that have values and styles similar to your own. If you choose to be in groups with different values or styles, then you have to accept that you will feel uncomfortable if you do not surrender some of your individuality.

Clara’s Story

Clara felt comfortable and natural in the rural farm town she grew up in. As a young woman, she attended university and learned business skills that she applied very successfully to the family business.

Her success in business and upward mobility brought her into social groups with other successful individuals. She was pleasant and attractive and was invited to attend social events. She went to some of them but felt chronically out of place.

She was invited to a country club, but she didn’t play golf. She was accustomed to simple, natural food preparations and unfamiliar with gourmet cuisine, so she could not share recipes or stories of eating at fancy restaurants. She felt welcome, but she also felt like an outsider.

Clara eventually learned to become comfortable being different rather than trying to become someone else. She acknowledged that she never held a golf club and asked many questions about food ingredients that she had never heard of before.

She was accepted as part of the group but left out of activities such as golf tournaments and dinners at gourmet restaurants. She came to realize that she was not interested in golf and could not effectively portray that she loved it. She did not like gourmet food; she liked home cooking. She had to be true to her nature. She attended cocktail parties and other events with her new associates, but no longer tried to be like them. She realized that she was happier this way.

Individuals whose personalities resist destabilization in social settings will be happier accepting that they are different from others in certain groups rather than trying to change themselves in order to fit in. Individuality, non-conformity, is not a weakness or a failure. Accepting your fundamental non-conformity will lead to greater satisfaction in social situations and a reduction in anxiety as you dismiss the need to change to conform. Love yourself as you are and you will be healthier for it.

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Why Some People Feel Alone Even When They're Not (2024)

FAQs

Why Some People Feel Alone Even When They're Not? ›

You're just in a situation where you expected to feel connected, and you didn't. Feeling alone even when people are around is also a common symptom of depression or social anxiety. It might be worthwhile to take an online mental health test to know whether you're experiencing a mental health condition.

Why do I feel lonely even if I'm not? ›

Some of the biggest reasons you might feel this way include lacking a solid support system or being in a different chapter of your life than your loved ones. For instance, maybe you have tons of friends but you feel like you don't have anyone you can really rely on in a crisis.

What does it mean to feel alone when you're not alone? ›

According to psychological research on loneliness, the phenomenon occurs when there's “a discrepancy between an individual's preferred and actual social relations.” That's why even when you're with other people, if the company or your interactions aren't living up to your preferred needs, you'll feel lonely.

Why do some people feel alone? ›

Loneliness can leave people feeling isolated and disconnected from others. It is a complex state of mind that can be caused by life changes, mental health conditions, poor self-esteem, and personality traits. Loneliness can also have serious health consequences including decreased mental wellness and physical problems.

Why do I still feel alone even though I have friends? ›

It can also come from too many superficial interactions and not enough deeper connections.” It doesn't matter how many friends you have – if you don't connect on a deeper level, they can leave you feeling unsatisfied and emotionally lonely. It can take years – even decades – to truly find your people.

How do lonely people behave? ›

When someone feels lonely they are more likely to try to distract themselves with the other things in their lives. So if your colleague is always talking about their stamp collection, or always flying away on exotic solo city breaks rather than spending weekends at home, they might be feeling alone.

How to stop feeling lonely? ›

This page has some tips and suggestions for managing feelings of loneliness:
  1. Learn more about being comfortable in your own company.
  2. Try and open up to people you know.
  3. Take it slow.
  4. Make new connections.
  5. Try not to compare yourself to others.
  6. Look after yourself.
  7. Try talking therapies.

What is the syndrome of being alone? ›

Autophobia, or monophobia, makes you feel extremely anxious when you're alone. This fear of being alone can affect your relationships, social life and career. You may also have a fear of abandonment that stems from a traumatic childhood experience.

Why do I always feel lonely and unloved? ›

There may be many factors contributing to feelings of being unloved or unwanted. For example, you may be experiencing symptoms of a mental health disorder, like depression or borderline personality disorder. Or, you may be experiencing the effects of an insecure attachment style that developed when you were a child.

What is it called when you always feel alone? ›

Chronic loneliness occurs when feelings of loneliness and uncomfortable social isolation go on for a long period of time. It's characterized by constant and unrelenting feelings of being alone, separated or divided from others, and an inability to connect on a deeper level.

What causes a person to be a loner? ›

There are many potential causes for this solitude. Intentional causes include introversion, mysticism, spirituality, religion, or personal considerations. Unintentional causes involve high sensitivity or shyness.

What does the Bible say about loneliness? ›

Psalm 34:18 tells us that “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” In Psalm 25:16-17, the writer gives us a prayer to God in a time of loneliness: “I am lonely and afflicted, relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.”

Why do I have friends but feel left out? ›

Many scenarios of social exclusion happen by mistake. Maybe someone thought you were busy that day or wouldn't be interested in attending. Sometimes, however, not being included can stem from a deliberate omission. Bullying someone by intentionally leaving them out can also transfer into the online world.

Is it normal to not have friends? ›

Reports suggest that many adults report having few friends or none at all. Among millennial-aged adults, 27% report that they have no close friends. 1 Societal trends appear to be playing a part, but there are individual factors that may also contribute to the lack of friendships.

Why do I feel alone even though I have family? ›

There are a few reasons for feeling lonely even when surrounded by friends and family: You hide your true self. You have a history of being misunderstood or judged. Perhaps you feel insecure about certain aspects of your personality.

Why do I feel lonely even though I am happy? ›

Loneliness happens when your needs for social interaction and human connection go unmet. Different people have different interaction needs, so this doesn't happen at the same point for everyone. For example: If you spend most nights with friends and loved ones, you might feel lonely with just one interaction per week.

Why have I always felt so lonely? ›

“Individuals with social anxiety are at greater risk for loneliness. Feelings of loneliness may be caused by a lack of interpersonal relationships, physical isolation, and divorce.”

Why do I feel like I'll always be lonely? ›

There are three common contributors to the fear of being alone forever: your past, your self-esteem and your social conditioning. Past abandonment – when the person whose love you craved most as a child abandoned you or acted distant and uncaring – is a big cause of this fear for many adults.

Why do I feel lonely even though I have a boyfriend? ›

There are several reasons why it might happen, including trust issues, attachment issues, abuse in past relationships, or poor communication styles. By communicating with your partner and investing in yourself through new hobbies and self-care, you can begin to heal and feel more connected.

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